Perspective Shift

While I was writing on this blog today I realized that I hadn't written anything directly pertaining to my own development, and was more so just writing things up to help everyone else along their own. Writing in general helps me to get out my ideas and reevaluate certain things I already felt I knew about myself or my practice, but I realize now that perhaps writing more about myself directly could do just as well. So I'll be sure to do that a bit more often.

It's been a long time coming thus far, I've gone from simple meditations, to traditional chi practices, to psionics, hermeticism, kabbalahism, etc... You name it and I've read about it or pursued it directly. Although, through all of this I never conceited to claim a specific path. I suppose my path in it's most general sense could fall under the category of mysticism. That being my pursuit to get closer to the divine thing, be that a being or what have you.

My practice has had a series of constant ups and downs. During some peak periods I would spend weeks if not months in almost a state of constant meditation (when time permitted), and vigorious practices. I would wake in the morning at five and do a series of rituals followed by meditation, energy work, etc... for a few hours, all before breakfast. And this type of activity would go on throughout the day whenever time was available to conciously and actively do it without trivial distractions.

It would go from this to literally nothing, not even a prayer upon waking. I suspect that because I have been pursing a path I really couldn't name for so long, and finding things out about my practice and myself that I couldn't exactly touch, eventually took it's toll on me. It's like receiving a constant stream of information, and trying to categorize everything as the stream continues to increase in size and speed. It's impossible. I spent so much time trying to "uncover" what I was doing, why I was doing, and even how I was doing it that I never really enjoyed the experiences I had been having.

At this point in time I feel fairly comfortable with the direction I'm headed. Every day another piece to the puzzle seems to fall into place, followed by more questions. But I'm use to this by now and it's not frustrating or anything of that nature. It's actually welcomed with open arms. Sometimes it seems as though a question can answer a question. Such an example would be when I was curious as to what path exactly I was pursuing. I couldn't find an answer but was then struck with a question to myself, that being why am I pursuing this path. At that moment the what became irrievelent and the why seemed so much more important.

At this point in my life spirituality has encompassed everything around me, it is who I am and what I am, in essence. I am slowly noticing everyting from the greater picture to the smallest miracle in front of me. Ofcourse, I still can't claim that I understand any of it, it's like watching the television in another language. I can somewhat perceive what might be going on, but I really don't know.

I've learned to accecpt that my lack of knowledge is completly irrelevent, because the answers to the questions are no more important to me than understanding how every single cell in my body functions. The exact inner mechanics of my practice do not dictact what I receive from them. I'm simply stating that the journey is what's most important, the trails my questions lead me down and the discoveries I make are what make it all worthwhile.

Over the years I've had so many mind blowing experiences I can hardly put into words, and some I don't even feel comfortable sharing for different reasons. Although of late, I've had a serious driving force leading me to Shamanism. I was speaking to someone yesterday about how I felt slightly narrow minded at the moment after reading up on the practice because I would pride myself on not being ignorant and dismissing different practices. I was so upset because out of all the practices and traditions I would read up on, shamanism never took the forefront of my mind, it didn't even seem relevent for some reason. I suppose I'm only human and we do things like that from time to time, but it was midly frustrating.

It was intriguing to learn that much of what I had experienced and gone through was directly related to shamanistic practices. This to me was very eye brow raising and I've since taken a dive into the practice head over heals. Ofcourse, I by no means am a "Shaman," It' s just simply another piece to my puzzle, another addition to my knowledge base and practice that I can use to pursue my understanding of whatever it is I'm trying to understand. See, it's the very essence of pursuit I seem to be pursuing right now, I have my own ideas of what it is I THINK I'm seeking, but I can't really be too sure. Truth, Reason, Knowledge, PURPOSE, etc... They are all relevent to me, but just pieces to the puzzle, just words. It's really impossible to describe how I feel on the subject matter because words just can't describe a feeling good enough. Trust me, I've tried various times. The best way I could describe it is to take two opposites and stick them together, one balancing the other, and then sit within that paradox of emotion.

I've been looking over a lot of "psionic" based websites lately and find it kind of funny how many people are stuck in their ways, but I really can't pass judgment, considering I was like that too, and somewhat still am. I'm stuck in my ways of not picking a specific way to be stuck in, which is pretty much the same difference. What I find curious are the select people I've come across who are going through much of what I went through a few years back, that eye opening curiosity taking hold and driving them down their own roads of understanding. Truly refreshing to see that despite how alone and distant you may come to feel, there are still so many others out there who are feeling the exact same way.

Forgive me for rambling on but this is just sort of the new category post, just sort of breaking the ice and trying to see where exactly I stand currently. Where my practices are going to take me who knows, all we can really do is keep moving down this road and keep our eyes and minds open.